It was after I had been away for a weekend some time ago with the boys for some intensive fishing (as opposed to catching) that the madness struck – I make no excuses for it – when you go away for a long weekend fishing all you do is think trout, talk about trout and talk about the best ways of catching the blighters.
Of course seeing as how over the weekend we had not actually caught loads of trout our madness was particularly keen to come up with something that would not fail to catch a big trout – or a small one – anything that might actually install some kind of confidence other than a stick of dynamite and a net.
One of the best ways of catching big trout allegedly is by using big flies – big flies being streamers – and one of the best streamers is a Wooly Bugger.
As you can see from the picture a Wooly Bugger is tied up using a long shank hook, a black “wooly” body and a palmered hackle with a tail often made out of marabou fibres.
A Wooly Bugger is a great river fly – you can tie them small enough so that you do not need to radically change your set up – you can get away with casting a small one on a 5 weight set up which is by far the most common river outfit.
In 2008 I caught my first trout of the year on an olive wooly bugger in the snow in a moment of desperation. I am not saying I am an expert in this or anything – I have tried em’ a few times and caught trout however I do know they have a big trout reputation.
As anglers we are always on the lookout for the next great fly tying material and often things said in jest stay with you for a while and then grow arms and legs (metaphorically).
Anyway, on the way home from the trip someone pointed out that his father had hinted that a fly tied from the hair of a black women’s nether regions would have amazing fish attracting properties – it had to be a black women seemingly due to it being easier to dub. It is all to do with the obsession that chaps have with gals catching more and bigger fish – we like to think there is something magical like pheromones being at work as opposed to them maybe taking a bit more time with presentations or being better casters – however I do not want to be a heretic so I shall move on with this sorry tale.
But where to get this magical fur?
Now that we knew we wanted some of this legendary material I pondered on it for a while – months to be exact and eventually came up with a solution.
I telephoned one of my pals – let’s call her Louise as – well that is her name for a start – however the interesting thing about her is that she has a pal who is used to Louise being a bit – well – forward is the word to use. She is one of those women who would do anything for a friend no matter what the problem – a great friend to have!
Her pal just happens to be the only person I know who would have a crop of the black stuff. Louise meanwhile is the only person I know who would be willing to approach someone and ask for a cutting.
I explained the need to Louise – she stated her pal might not give in willingly however her own husband (who also has an afro) has an ample amount she was willing to shave – she could give me a “bucket load of the stuff” – it has got to be a women’s – I explained– it is all to do with the scent and the pheromones you women give off – it drives us men and fish crazy with hunger and then desire – I pondered when the last time Louise had ever been out for a date that involved a meal - I went into some details about how women’s pheromones have always been a proven fish catcher. I recounted the story of Miss Ballantine landing her big Salmon, said to be 54in long, which was caught on the Glendelvine beat of the River Tay and still stands as a record breaker.
It was then that my pal gave me some fantastic news – “she is a bit moody just now – she is almost ready to pop” It took a moment for this news to sink in – and then it struck me what she was talking about – she was about to have a baby – this is fantastic I thought – she will have all those hormones pumping around her body all ending up in one fantastic bushy enormous trout attracting vagina.
“She can hardly wash – she is about a week overdue” my pal said!
Get your ass on that phone now – I said – before she has a bath at the hospital – I thought.
Of course – it took a bit of explaining – I mean she thought I was a pervert at first – well, for a few days anyway – so while Louise was trying to persuade her that this was a legitimate transaction I took the time to contact the only angler I thought would appreciate the efforts I was making – also my Wooly Buggers are pretty poor and I knew he had been tying a few up – I really should not tell you who it was however what the hell – it was Mike over at Tamanawis – he was willing to handle the booty bounty and tie up what I can only think of now as nuclear powered trout attracting buggers.
Oh – the day dreams I had – I could just see myself hauling them in and people asking me what I was catching the beasts on – I could see a great business opportunity – I mean how much could I sell these buggers for – how often could I harvest the crop? How soon could I get this magical fluff in my hands – I really should have given Louise a bag to put the contraband in however she is a resourceful girl – probably end up using one of those wee containers women have around the kitchen.
Obviously after the pregnancy the initial potency would be reduced (and those beauties I would be keeping close to me) however they would be a bonus – like the cream of the crop. I would probably use them in those areas that other people had seen monster trout – one cast in front of them and one whiff of the bushy bugger and that trout would be in the net having its picture taken in no time. Additionally she is a young girl – no doubt this would be the first of a few kids – I would have a plentiful supply and the old paypal account would be healthy after selling a batch on Ebay.
(I tried to find a photo to post here however thought it might be a bit offensive)
Other thoughts went through my head – how would the fish react in the famous “Sanitary Towel” pool on the Kelvin – the trout thrive in that pool – would the trout love the “Bushy Bugger”?
All these questions shall remain unanswered my friends – I got the phone call a few days later - “She told you to bugger off”
Does anyone see the irony in that?