Anyway – I have been getting my fishy fix in other ways:

I popped along to the annual Glasgow Angling Centre opening day last week and ran into none other than long time reader and fishing presenter Paul Young:

A true gent of the angling world (unlike John Wilson who blanked me last year) – this time we promised to meet up and have a fish (we have been threatening this for years now)

Browsing around the offers I noticed a rather good deal on powerbait – 2 for 1-  the chap from Fulling Mill gave me funny looks for this photo:

Speaking of dodgy shit – I was wandering up an isle when I ran into The River Kelvin Angling Association Secretary Paul Reid idly fingering a gaff:

I jest, I jest – it was a set up – I made him hold the gaff just for the picture – just in case anyone takes it seriously out there.  We actually hunted around the shop to get a picture of him with some  rod rests however they were either not on sale or they were sold out!

Instead we went for a wander out to the casting area and then to the canal and enjoyed some of those loops…

That wee casting area is growing on me actually..

I met finally and spoke for a while to Steve Cooper of Cookshill Fly Tying and this is where things get a bit spooky – totally unknown to me someone was taking my picture.

I look good from behind...

That is right – Hillend Dabbler thought he would dish out some of my own medicine by snapping a photo of me and posting it in the forum. I suppose it is slightly less spooky than when my now fishing buddy Campbell sent me an email before he was my fishing buddy that stated “I was behind you in the queue in Ikea”

I also watched Davie McPhail tye up some of his flies:

All in all it was the usual extravaganza that the GAC put on looking forward to the next one already – I managed to get through the whole day without not spending a penny – at the time that seemed good however now I realise I have no tapered leaders or tippet so am pretty screwed.

Ah well!

Of course seeing as how over the weekend we had not actually caught loads of trout our madness was particularly keen to come up with something that would not fail to catch a big trout – or a small one – anything that might actually install some kind of confidence other than a stick of dynamite and a net.

One of the best ways of catching big trout allegedly is by using big flies – big flies being streamers – and one of the best streamers is a Wooly Bugger.

A Wooly Bugger

As you can see from the picture a Wooly Bugger is tied up using a long shank hook, a black “wooly” body and a palmered hackle with a tail often made out of marabou fibres.

A Wooly Bugger is a great river fly – you can tie them small enough so that you do not need to radically change your set up – you can get away with casting a small one on a 5 weight set up which is by far the most common river outfit.

A Trout that fell to a wooly bugger!

In 2008 I caught my first trout of the year on an olive wooly bugger in the snow in a moment of desperation. I am not saying I am an expert in this or anything – I have tried em’ a few times and caught trout however I do know they have a big trout reputation.

As anglers we are always on the lookout for the next great fly tying material and often things said in jest stay with you for a while and then grow arms and legs (metaphorically).

Anyway, on the way home from the trip someone pointed out that his father had hinted that a fly tied from the hair of a black women’s nether regions would have amazing fish attracting properties – it had to be a black women seemingly due to it being easier to dub. It is all to do with the obsession that chaps have with gals catching more and bigger fish – we like to think there is something magical like pheromones being at work as opposed to them maybe taking a bit more time with presentations or being better casters – however I do not want to be a heretic so I shall move on with this sorry tale.

But where to get this magical fur?

Now that we knew we wanted some of this legendary material I pondered on it for a while – months to be exact and eventually came up with a solution.

I telephoned one of my pals – let’s call her Louise as – well that is her name for a start – however the interesting thing about her is that she has a pal who is used to Louise being a bit – well – forward is the word to use. She is one of those women who would do anything for a friend no matter what the problem – a great friend to have!

Her pal just happens to be the only person I know who would have a crop of the black stuff. Louise meanwhile is the only person I know who would be willing to approach someone and ask for a cutting.

I explained the need to Louise – she stated her pal might not give in willingly however her own husband (who also has an afro) has an ample amount she was willing to shave – she could give me a “bucket load of the stuff” – it has got to be a women’s – I explained– it is all to do with the scent and the pheromones you women give off – it drives us men and fish crazy with hunger and then desire – I pondered when the last time Louise had ever been out for a date that involved a meal - I went into some details about how women’s pheromones have always been a proven fish catcher. I recounted the story of Miss Ballantine landing her big Salmon, said to be 54in long, which was caught on the Glendelvine beat of the River Tay and still stands as a record breaker.

It was then that my pal gave me some fantastic news – “she is a bit moody just now – she is almost ready to pop” It took a moment for this news to sink in – and then it struck me what she was talking about – she was about to have a baby – this is fantastic I thought – she will have all those hormones pumping around her body all ending up in one fantastic bushy enormous trout attracting vagina.

“She can hardly wash – she is about a week overdue” my pal said!

Get your ass on that phone now – I said – before she has a bath at the hospital – I thought.

Of course – it took a bit of explaining – I mean she thought I was a pervert at first – well, for a few days anyway – so while Louise was trying to persuade her that this was a legitimate transaction I took the time to contact the only angler I thought would appreciate the efforts I was making – also my Wooly Buggers are pretty poor and I knew he had been tying a few up – I really should not tell you who it was however what the hell – it was Mike over at Tamanawis – he was willing to handle the booty bounty and tie up what I can only think of now as nuclear powered trout attracting buggers.

Mike - willing to handle the bush!

Oh – the day dreams I had – I could just see myself hauling them in and people asking me what I was catching the beasts on – I could see a great business opportunity – I mean how much could I sell these buggers for – how often could I harvest the crop? How soon could I get this magical fluff in my hands – I really should have given Louise a bag to put the contraband in however she is a resourceful girl – probably end up using one of those wee containers women have around the kitchen.

Obviously after the pregnancy the initial potency would be reduced (and those beauties I would be keeping close to me) however they would be a bonus – like the cream of the crop. I would probably use them in those areas that other people had seen monster trout – one cast in front of them and one whiff of the bushy bugger and that trout would be in the net having its picture taken in no time. Additionally she is a young girl – no doubt this would be the first of a few kids – I would have a plentiful supply and the old paypal account would be healthy after selling a batch on Ebay.

(I tried to find a photo to post here however thought it might be a bit offensive)

Other thoughts went through my head – how would the fish react in the famous “Sanitary Towel” pool on the Kelvin – the trout thrive in that pool – would the trout love the “Bushy Bugger”?

All these questions shall remain unanswered my friends – I got the phone call a few days later  - “She told you to bugger off”

Does anyone see the irony in that?

It is like a hungry need!

Features:

• Cast aluminium body
• 16 Essential CRV screw driver bits
• Convenient 6ft/2m tape measure
• Steel hammer surface
• Screw driver locks at 90 degree angle for extra torque
• Powerful alloy magnets to hold loose screws
• Snap action screw driver folds away when not in use
• LED shines light where you work
• Liquid level

I would be able to build a boat out of trees from Kelvingrove Park, fight neds off in the Botanic Gardens – It is what every angler on the Kelvin should have.